autobio... thing...?

i often wonder if i am really an artist/writer or an expressionist. i use characters to express what i am feeling and i rarely step outside the realm of my emotions. i feel that the emotion and all around odd, raw, and often disturbing content and metaphors i use are the backbone of my style. i dont consider myself a good writer or rather a "user of the english language" as much as i used to. i find myself playing with words less and playing with concepts and shocking imagery more than anything else. many times i find the things i write to be very awkward and disjointed. sometimes i like the disjointed feeling and sometimes i dont. it depends on w/e works best with the piece.

i chose the name "this crushing metaphysical crisis" because feel it best describes what my writing consists of and my over all writing style. i write using many metaphors and symbols and it is often very ambiguous and is not grounded in reality or what many consider "real" or relatable. the stories are not structured in a traditional way. many times i like to give snap shots of moments and then bring them together as a very disjointed whole. my blog name is also the name of one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands and i actually posted it as my first entry.

i am not a real writer in the sense that i am writing all the time. however i do seriously consider myself to be a storyteller. lol i dont really know what im doing anymore. mostly i was bored and wanted to procrastinate a bit so i thought i would do somewhat of an autobio thing about the things that im going to post here. hopefully i will e able to capture things more smoothly as i go on and continue to do what i do. its been almost 2 years since ive written anything and ive just found the confidence and the soul to start again. in the recent past i had lost my identity and i didnt have any substance or well of inspiration to draw from since everything i do comes from me.

so thats that story. i really need to start hw now.

peace.

lonely city

Looking at him was like staring directly at the sun. blinding, irritating, bright, and afterwards everything seemed a little darker.

a little colder.

but not enough.

not enough to be used as an excuse to keep staring.

*****

his heart was grey and icy. a death poison that spread when he smiled. a lot like this city that towered above you. as you strained your neck looking to the skyline a chill crept into your heart and you knew you would never escape.

*****

eventually the words meant nothing. they fell from their mouths like shit fell from they're asses. it was all to make sure the circle would not be broken. Their biggest fear.

they werent living anymore. they were just existing.

*****

he had died a long time ago. you kept him under your bed so he knew he would always be beneath you. you wouldnt let yourself think about it too much, but there were times you've woken to find yourself lying under your bed next to the bones and stench. you spit and grimace.

you are sure it means nothing.


*****

when you come to this dead end you can do nothing but fall to your knees and eat your own feet off.

you walked all this way.


End.

about living in the moment or living in reflection

is it wrong to want to be the savior? is it weird? whats the right way to live this life should i stop and stare the whole way through or should i just run and feel my legs falling apart, but im too preoccupied with he wind in my face to know the difference

should i just let the words come or should i stop to think

do i know anything at all does anyone know anything at all those wise men who spill black from their mouths have rotten their taste buds. they cant tell whats good and what isnt. all i know is my heart is over flowing with the consciousness of death and suffering, the suppression of of a burning fire eating away inside
caught in a whirlwind of everyhting and nothing

everything is nothing and nothing is everything
i forget my name but i remember the

7
7
7

does it even mean anything? tell me yes tell me yes
the smell of her hair, the sound of the birds, the chill on my cheek
if you make it the right way it will take you back
are u dead if all that u live for is the part that wasnt so broken

u cant write down everyhting it is impossible
if you look above you miss the below
if you look anywhere youll miss the otherwhere
what if it was important

what if missing everything is important

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i did not stop to edit this or anything. this is just the way it is.

so this one is really gay...

i got the idea for this while riding on the subway with an empty coffee cup in hand. someone next to me laughed and i could feel their laughter inside my coffee cup. i thought this was a great metaphor so i decided to build a poem-like thing around it. beware it is extremely disjointed and awkward in lots of places.


i can feel the vibration of your laughter in my empty coffee cup.
a tickle in my palm
a melancholy whisper in my ear
in your absence there has settled a thick mist around my eyes
but mine has nearly nicked any difference in your existence.

i kept our bottle on the shelf
and i find yours in the trash.
is it silly to think these things are special?

the sweetness on your tongue has turned a bitter black
it stings and i want so much to let it go
but the smell of my childhood clings to your clothes
it wont let go
why wont it just let me go?

i know ive changed as well
i cant force all the blame on you
the clouds in my eyes cant seem to quit raining.
im starting to wonder
am i the only one who thinks that tragedy is charming?

stupid poem i wrote

if there is beauty left in this world
then i can only think of one place.
so im in search of never land, never land
i used to fly like you dear peter pan
how i wish i could see the world like you do peter pan.
but where did all the magic go?
happy thoughts dont come around here so often.

im still waiting for you christopher robin
under this willow tree
ive sat here so long i wonder if i am even real
since uve left nothing feels real
where have u gone?
did u forget about your little yellow bear?
did you know id wait forever?

oh alice little alice
you asked too many questions
why did u ever go down that rabbit hole?
did u think it would last forever?
wonderland was only in your head you know...
it was only in your head...

i know i know
i chased that rabbit too
it lead me to a wonderland, a wonderland
but now im in a nowhere land, a nowhere land
making all my nowhere plans
for nobody.

HORSE the Band

I think we're both suffering from the same crushing metaphysical crisis

"Dilation of chronal aperture in 3 2 1"
activate
initiate
instruments set to yesterday
at the speed light
across empty plains of time
on a ship of jewels and gold
all of time unfolds
A SEVEN CLICK BLIP
FOR A FIFTEEN EON TRIP
CRAFTING DEJA VU
EVENT HORIZON BOOM
DAYS RESCIND AND LAPSE
BIRTH AFTER DEATH
TOMORROW IS THE PAST
EVENT HORIZON BOOM
CITIES SHRINK AND FADE
INTO THE ICE AGE
DINOSAURS NOW NEW
EVENT HORIZON BOOM
TIME IS BROKEN!!!!!!!!
time after time
time after time
time after time
time
all these machines that dream
make me want to scream
there's no bears or wild things
the future's not what it seems
causality denied
all of time is now mine
the crisis we both share
is you are me when i was there
time after time
it's almost time
time to say goodbye
at the end of time