sometimes i like to play a game and read what ive written, play a therapist and look at myself in all black and white.
ive been up for 5 days straight (no exaggeration) so sorry if my brain is retarded.
fears loss of identity, loss of innocence, feels alone- doesnt belong anywhere, delusions of grandeur- though also feelings of insignificance, sees things-possible schizophrenia, extreme harboring of guilt, fear of change, feels inadequacy, a perfectionist- if it is not perfect it is worthless, obsession with disturbing concepts and situations, vicarious (feels numb so she must seek new and more shocking fantasies to make herself feel alive), odd combination of hopelessness and optimism, constant conflict between living in the moment and in reflection, extreme awareness of self, obsession with the past and memories, erg theres more but i prolly shouldnt procrastinate anymore.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
collection of angst
get ready for a mega update.........
why am i so held down to the earth? ive never felt more mortal in my life. its suffocating, easy, and a part of me doesnt mind. its so much easier to let myself die then to fight for something that might not be worth anything. sometimes i can still feel it calling me, but barely a whisper. a long lost memory, a taste on my tongue i cant quite recall. either path is just a different kind of addiction, both as self destructive as ever. one way i live a normal life and i dont think and i dont care, the other is chasing a dream i will never catch till the day i die, and who ever knows if it is all real. i know which one i want. but apparently i do not want it enough, or i have been so infected by the sloth ive been trapped in i cannot for the life of me think for myself anymore, held down by trivial emotions. so heavy the weights and so thick the fog. she screams at me as i burry her alive; everything it meant to feel real; to be real. and i am alone. ive isolated myself out of fear and laziness. i am weak and it makes me sick. no one knows how bad it really is. my legs sunk so deep in the mud i cannot move or make a choice. the cracks are sealed tight and i cant see through. so far away from who i am; who i am supposed to be. each mound of dirt and her crying gets softer, farther away, no more pain, no more memories. goodbye elise goodbye elise. its only whispers now. an empty shell, there are no more words inside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i cant remember a time when ive been more aware of the freckles on my face or the bars across my window
i want to live in between the dark and light, the mili-second that no one ever thinks about; because thats what i am.
neither one or the other; i never really fit the mold of either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
she had so much potential, but she fell victim to the cracks between the floorboard. no one will remember her; and if they do it will be as a falling star- beautiful, tragic, and brief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and i know the fingers that had sewn your lips shut and hollowed out your heart are my own and God knows my words are lost before they even reach my head and you don't know but this silence that stands between us is enough to make me feel like dying and when the wall finally breaks down it doesn't matter how hard the waters pull me under because at least feeling like you're drowning is better than feeling nothing...
and now every time i hear your name a bone breaks inside me and i dont even know why but as i look at these broken stars hanging from the sky i know the dream has died and i dont care if everything ive ever lived for is a lie just please let me know you're the one thing i have that is still real.
and i can still hear your voice in all that surrounds me i swear the leaves sound like you laughing and i think about it and i realize what ive been doing to myself and as the days grow darker im sitting here wasting time because im too scared to do anything else, im too tired to do anything else, so i watch you slip through my fingers as sand slips through that hour glass as time slips through the seconds i waste standing here in front of you trying to say....
..nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love you little star
because you burn so bright
untouched by dark
you lit up the night
My little star- you pierce the clouds in my eyes
bore through flesh and bone
to reach my heart trapped in ice.
I love you little star
Because I see in you
The child that died in me.
why am i so held down to the earth? ive never felt more mortal in my life. its suffocating, easy, and a part of me doesnt mind. its so much easier to let myself die then to fight for something that might not be worth anything. sometimes i can still feel it calling me, but barely a whisper. a long lost memory, a taste on my tongue i cant quite recall. either path is just a different kind of addiction, both as self destructive as ever. one way i live a normal life and i dont think and i dont care, the other is chasing a dream i will never catch till the day i die, and who ever knows if it is all real. i know which one i want. but apparently i do not want it enough, or i have been so infected by the sloth ive been trapped in i cannot for the life of me think for myself anymore, held down by trivial emotions. so heavy the weights and so thick the fog. she screams at me as i burry her alive; everything it meant to feel real; to be real. and i am alone. ive isolated myself out of fear and laziness. i am weak and it makes me sick. no one knows how bad it really is. my legs sunk so deep in the mud i cannot move or make a choice. the cracks are sealed tight and i cant see through. so far away from who i am; who i am supposed to be. each mound of dirt and her crying gets softer, farther away, no more pain, no more memories. goodbye elise goodbye elise. its only whispers now. an empty shell, there are no more words inside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i cant remember a time when ive been more aware of the freckles on my face or the bars across my window
i want to live in between the dark and light, the mili-second that no one ever thinks about; because thats what i am.
neither one or the other; i never really fit the mold of either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
she had so much potential, but she fell victim to the cracks between the floorboard. no one will remember her; and if they do it will be as a falling star- beautiful, tragic, and brief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and i know the fingers that had sewn your lips shut and hollowed out your heart are my own and God knows my words are lost before they even reach my head and you don't know but this silence that stands between us is enough to make me feel like dying and when the wall finally breaks down it doesn't matter how hard the waters pull me under because at least feeling like you're drowning is better than feeling nothing...
and now every time i hear your name a bone breaks inside me and i dont even know why but as i look at these broken stars hanging from the sky i know the dream has died and i dont care if everything ive ever lived for is a lie just please let me know you're the one thing i have that is still real.
and i can still hear your voice in all that surrounds me i swear the leaves sound like you laughing and i think about it and i realize what ive been doing to myself and as the days grow darker im sitting here wasting time because im too scared to do anything else, im too tired to do anything else, so i watch you slip through my fingers as sand slips through that hour glass as time slips through the seconds i waste standing here in front of you trying to say....
..nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love you little star
because you burn so bright
untouched by dark
you lit up the night
My little star- you pierce the clouds in my eyes
bore through flesh and bone
to reach my heart trapped in ice.
I love you little star
Because I see in you
The child that died in me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)